


Amae

by alwaysmunchkin



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 06:36:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10871154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysmunchkin/pseuds/alwaysmunchkin
Summary: Yixing cannot take this anymore. He has gone so long without receiving love, he is not sure if he can remember what it feels like anymore. He feels suffocated in a dark pool and he needs to get out.





	Amae

**Author's Note:**

> Amae (甘え): a Japanese concept/word that is used to describe people's behaviour when you desire to be loved, you desire someone to take care of you, when you want unconsciously to be depending on another person (your parents, your wife/husband or even your boss) with a certain meaning of submission.

The sun is streaming through the trees and birds are chirping. Yixing can hear his younger neighbours laughing as they put on their shoes, their mother laughing with them and hurrying them up to the car. He smiles, and imagines what they would look like; the two identical twins with their rosy cheeks and eyes shining bright with inquisitiveness as their mother smoothes their yellow and navy blue pre-school uniform down.

Yixing’s room is right next to the corridor on their level in the apartment block, but he had his frosted glass windows shut tight and held himself back from sliding them open and greeting the kids, as he is ought to do every day.

Because today is not like every day.

Every once in a while, the children would pass by Yixing’s windows and he would watch their silhouettes walk by, stopping for that fraction of a second in front of his window, as though wondering if that kindly older brother next door would greet them with a smile today. Every time that happens, Yixing would watch with bated breath, not daring to breath so as not to give them a clue that he was in his room, before the children carried on by with their parent.

Today is one of those days.

His eyes move as he watches the silhouettes of his two adorable neighbours pass by, and lets out a long, shaky breath. He gets up from his bed and treads over to his closet. The light wood door swings open easily, and he pulls out a long-sleeved sweatshirt on automaton. He is almost at the end of the school semester, and spring was at the brink of turning into summer. The weather was getting much too warm for a thick sweatshirt, but Yixing hopes the pastel pink shirt with a yellow ice cream cone patch emblazoned on the left chest would make up for the odd choice of clothing in this weather.

Once again, Yixing pulls his head through the collar of the sweatshirt. As he pulls his right arm through the sleeve, his upper arm snags on the edge of the clothing and he winces, all movement freezing. After a few moments of heavy breaths, Yixing opens his eyes and continues getting dressed. 

“You-“

Whack.

“-little-“

Whack.

“brat!”

Whack.

Yixing falls to his knees on that last hit, the pain becoming too much to bear any longer. He feels his mother grab a fistful of his hair, forcing him to stand up. He hears her scream about his mistake – again, everything was always his fault – but he feels so defeated, he cannot do anything but let his tears fall silently, gulping for air as he winces on autopilot every time she raises her hand at him again.

Sigh.

Yixing rubs his now clothed forearms again. Mentally, the boy reminds himself to be extra careful on the transit to campus so as not to inadvertently bump into anyone of anything, lest he wants his already vividly dark purple bruises to act up again.

 

\---

 

“Okay, 10 minute break and then we’ll continue with your group presentations!”

Chatter ensues around the classroom. Yixing leans back into his chair, folding his arms lightly over his chest, shaking his head in response to his groupmate asking him if he would like her to get him anything from the school canteen. 

The chair next to him screeches across the floor loudly as his best friend jumps into the available seat.

“Xing, you still looking for that part time job once we’re done with this semester?” 

Yixing shot his friend a look. “What do you think, Baek?”

Baekhyun laughs a loud, boisterous laugh. “Well, no need to be all snarky Mr. Grumpy Pants. Chin up! You’re wearing your favourite sweatshirt again. At least smile and match the pastel tones!”

Baekhyun grabs Yixing’s cheeks and pulls the corners of his mouth up into a forced Cheshire smile. He laughs again before releasing them, watching Yixing rub them, pouting.

“Well, Jongdae’s boyfriend offered me a summer internship. He said they’re looking for marketing interns, and Jongdae immediately recommended me. I had to turn it down, though, because I’m going to go spend my summer with Chanyeol in their Tokyo vacation home!” Baekhyun exclaims. “So, I turned Jongdae down, but put him on hold. I told him I might have someone who’ll take the job, which is where you come in!”

Yixing could only laugh at his over excitable friend.

“Sounds great. I’ll take it! Where is it at?”

Baekhyun paused. “Well, there is a bit of a catch…”

Yixing chuckles, asking Baekhyun what the catch was. Honestly, Yixing would take any catch. He had been having trouble in his quest to look for a part time job over the holidays. This job Baekhyun is offering him trumps anything else he might find on his own. It was an internship and would add to his resume for after he graduates!

“It’s at Kim Corporations.”

“What, you mean they’re opening an office here in Changsha or-“

“Korea, Xing. Kim Corporations head office in Seoul, South Korea.”

Yixing blinks.

He blinks once, then twice.

He blinks three times then looks at his friend as he has grown two horns on top of his head in the short span of time they have been conversing.

“Baekhyun. I’m looking for a part time job to earn money. How am I going to earn any money if I have to spend money on a flight to Seoul before I even get the job?”

“No, no!’ Baekhyun shakes his head fervently. “Jongdae told me they’re paying for everything. Flight to Seoul and back home after the internship, your accommodation the whole duration there and even a monthly living allowance!”

Yixing blinks.

He blinks once, then twice.

He blinks three times then sighs, carding a hand through his hair.

“Really, Baek? Did you make this up or something? That sounds way too good to be true.”

Baekhyun pouts, latching on to both of Yixing’s hands.

“It’s true! My cousin would never lie to me!”

Yixing raises an eyebrow. He disagrees with that. The two have been pulling pranks on each other since they were born, one month apart. He lets Baekhyun continue anyway.

“Dae says that offer was only for me. He’s going to spend summer in Seoul with his boyfriend and wanted some company, so they thought they’d invite me over but make me work. He says, and I quote, that you’ve been way too lazy, Baek, you should at least find something worthwhile-“

Yixing is not listening to his friend anymore. He tunes out Baekhyun’s blabbering, knowing he will go on for a while, as he ponders the offer.

In all honesty, it sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yixing actually does not want a job. He has been feeling extremely under the weather lately; he feels as though he has a perpetual dark cloud hanging over his head. His chest weighs heavy and he can barely find the energy to do anything, even wake up in the mornings.  
But he wants to get a job just for an excuse to leave the house. The dark cloud engulfs him when he is alone with his thoughts, so getting a job will at least surround him with people. Plus, he will have an excuse to leave the house early and return late, minimising the time he spends in it, thus, with the people in it as well.

Yixing ponders again. He is not very good with uncertainties, though. His existential self has really been coming out strong lately. He loathes the idea of being disorientated and unsure, but is rather drawn to the idea of an escape. So, he settles his heart and mind, and accepts.

Baekhyun smiles widely, showing his teeth, pulling his best friend into a tight, full body hug. Yixing gasps at the pain flourishing over his arms, but he is not heard over Baekhyun’s excited chatter. He smiles anyway over the pain, Baekhyun’s excitement contagious.

Yixing toys with the idea of an uncertain future again. He does not know who he will meet, nor exactly what kind of work he will be doing, but this time, he finds that he likes it.

He likes the idea of letting go.

 

\---

 

“How would you feel if I left China?”

The sounds of a pen scratching against paper pauses. Yixing’s brother looks up at him from his prone position in bed, completing his homework.

“You’re… leaving?”

“Well… Not forever! At least, I don’t think…” Yixing makes the mistake of looking up. He sees Chen Le’s eyes begin to water.

Yixing sighs.

“Baobei, you and I both know she doesn’t like me. She hates me! I can’t live here. I’ve been enduring all the pain and heartache and misery for almost 21 years now. Look at me!” Yixing roughly pulls up the sleeves of his sweater. “How many more times do I have to play sandbag to her!” 

The undergraduate breathes heavily. He feels his pent up anger leave him almost as quickly as it worked him up.

“I need to leave. If not forever, at least for a while. I don’t feel like myself here, and I can’t think to be better if I’m stuck here forever. I need to take some time away and think, and find myself, and be… free. And this opportunity just happens to drop in my lap? Why wouldn’t I take it, baobei?”

Yixing succumbs to the defeat he feels enclosing over his heart and lets the welled-up tears fall from his eyes. Sheets rustle as Chen Le makes his way over to where Yixing was sitting on his own bed, cross legged. He burrows himself into his older brother’s chest and hugs him as tight as he possibly can.

Yixing returns the hug limply, and he can feel Chen Le’s chest rising and falling unsteadily, indicating that he was crying too, albeit silently.

“But, ge, why are you leaving me?”

Yixing’s heart breaks.

“Oh, baby,” Yixing softly caresses Chen Le’s locks. “I’m not leaving you. I will always be here with you. In your heart.”

Yixing hears Chen Le’s muffled scoff against his chest and chuckles softly.

“I’ll contact you every day, yeah? How about a video call every day? You end school earlier than I end classes here, so maybe I can even show you around the office some days!”

As Yixing prattles on about the internship to his beloved younger brother, he continues to clamp down on the dread slowly building up inside of him.

How is he going to break the news to his mother?

 

\---

 

From the day Baekhyun offered him the internship, Yixing had a short two weeks to get everything ready.

On the fourteenth day, he had been too caught up in telling Chen Le about the job that he told himself he will tell his mother.

On the thirteenth day, she was caught up at work in the office and returned late. Yixing went to bed resolving to tell her the next day instead; she never was receptive to anything after a long day at work.

On days twelve and eleven, Yixing was stuck in school till late, finishing up his final reports for the semester. He resolved to tell her the next day.

On the tenth day, she did not even return home. Yixing went to bed thinking that he would tell her tomorrow, if she returns to the house.

On the ninth day, she stumbles into the house at dawn, making a ruckus before falling face first and passing out in her bed. Yixing tuts but gingerly pulls of her shoes, face wrinkling up at the stench of alcohol coming off her. He gently pulls a blanket over her, freezing when he mutters something unintelligible in her sleep. She does not stir, so Yixing hastily returns to his shared room with Chen Le and decides to give her a day to recover from her drunkenness before telling her about the internship.

On the eighth day, Yixing spent the day picking out things to pack in his luggage, Chen Le yapping enthusiastically next to him, homework for the weekend forgotten on his bed. Yixing forgets to inform her about his impending trip.

On the seventh day, Yixing eats his dinner in silence at the dinner table, contemplating how he should break the news to her. The hour comes and goes, and Yixing misses the chance. He goes to sleep convincing himself that he has a few days left to let her know, so it’s fine.

On the sixth, fifth and fourth days, Chen Le receives a non-committal call on their landline. She tells him that she will not be back until Friday night. The boys do not know where she will be, but they do not think to ask, nor do they want to. Yixing goes to bed somewhat relieved that night, but he cannot get rid of that bit of dread niggling at the back of his head.

On Friday she returns, but Yixing is crying with Chen Le in their room. 

“When I’m not here, and you don’t feel safe, or you don’t think you can stay here, or you are much too alone, call this number,” Yixing hastily pushes a piece of paper with a number scribbled on it into Chen Le’s hands. “You remember Baekhyun, right? If you ever feel any bit of fear, leave the house and get as far away from here as possible. Call the number. He won’t be in Changsha, but he’ll take care of you. I promise.”

That night, the two brothers fall asleep in each other’s embrace on Yixing’s bed, their mother forgotten.

On Saturday, Yixing has everything packed by his closet, ready to go. He sits on his bed, staring at his passport in his hands, his flight ticket packed safely between its pages. He can hear the analog clock hanging above Chen Le’s bed tick the seconds by, but he does not move from his stiff position. He can hear her laughing ostentatiously at a variety programme showing on the television, but his legs will not move.

They cannot move.

Chen Le is asleep, back facing away from Yixing, but Yixing finds comfort in the outline of his shape in the dark. He counts 210 ticks of the clock before he realises his breathing is not laboured anymore.

Yixing gets to 367 ticks before he can stand up.

By the 380th tick, he has one hand on the knob of his door, the other clutching his passport for dear life.

At tick 385, he finds his hand turning the door knob, and he sees himself getting closer to the woman perched on the gaudy sofa, the ticks from the clock in his room getting fainter and fainter until all he can hear is the cacophony from the television, and his own heart beating in his ears.

“I… was offered an internship over the holidays, and I… accepted. My flight is tomorrow-“

Snatch.

Yixing watches in horror and she pulls his flight ticket from his passport, scrutinising it in front of her beady little eyes. His mind goes into overdrive, and he panics because what if she tears his ticket?

So Yixing made a grab for it, but the sneaky woman was faster. She pulled her hand above her hand, her face turning red, a sure sign of anger building. Yixing panics once more, and grabs at her hair. She howls, but her hand falls limply next to her, caught off-guard by the sudden attack.

Yixing seizes his passport and ticket and makes a run for his room, fully intending to lock himself in it until the next morning, when he will leave straight for his flight.  
But she trips him, and he tumbles to the ground, his head colliding harshly with the tiled floor. Instinctively, Yixing pulls his ticket to his chest and curls his body around it, wanting to protect it with his life, making sure she will never get her hands on it.

The adrenaline from his unprecedented attack earlier was still running through his veins. That, coupled with his incessantly loud heartbeat made him deaf to the profanities the woman was screaming at him. He gets a slap to his head, a kick in the spine, and a heel to his right eye, but he still refuses to budge.

After an unimaginable amount of time, Yixing feels her step over his still-curled body, spitting at the ground next to his head. He hears the television switch off, followed by the lights, then a slam of a door. Yixing is naught to move, however. She might come back, as she has before, and he does not want to risk it.

After counting 91 breaths, Yixing slowly uncurls his body. He feels it creak and he groans softly in pain, but he is giddy.

His is giddy from the fact that, for once, he stood up to the menace. Even if it was a response in panic at losing his ticket to freedom, it was still him standing up to her.  
He is also giddy from the fact that he still has his passport and ticket, and that he will soon be out of these four walls.

He is, however, also giddy from the blood rushing to different places in his body, so he slumps into the sofa and collects his thoughts for a minute or two, before returning to his room quietly.

Yixing spends two hours sitting at the foot of Chen Le’s bed sobbing.

The next 30 minutes, he pens a three-page long letter to his younger brother, and tucks it under his pillow, kissing his forehead gently.

After another 30 minutes of deliberating what he should do to cover up the newly formed bruises all over his body, he settles for jeans and a pullover, a mask over his mouth, sunglasses perched on his nose and a beanie pulled over his ears. Yixing resolves to get some high coverage foundation at the duty-free store in the airport. He cannot possibly go into work in a mask and sunglasses, and he definitely does not want to ruin his chances at the internship by turning up to work covered in bruises. 

Then, finally, Yixing steps out of the house, not sparing even a single glance back.

He was afraid, but he was hopeful. He really doesn’t like the unknown, but that fear compares to nuts next to what he was leaving behind.  
So, as dawn breaks over quiet little Changsha, Yixing bids adios and heads towards the airport.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I posted this first on AFF but someone recommended me to try out AO3 (which I've actually been wanting to try for a while now), so here it is! I plan to continue crossposting on both platforms, but if I find I prefer one over the other, I'll let you guys know (:
> 
> Enjoy my work! I really like comments so don't be afraid to leave some below!
> 
> P/S: I don't have a beta reader, so I edit my work myself! I'll be back to edit again sometime in the near future, I hope!


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